In February I fell ill again, mentally. I ended back in a psychiatric ward after last being in one in August last year. I failed my new years resolution of not going into hospital but it could not be helped, after all, I don’t have control over my illnesses.
I was moderately depressed at the time but that was not the reason for my inpatient stay. I became psychotic again, not to the extreme of my last manic episode but enough to put myself in danger.
I wrote down some of what I was hearing at the time so I can share it with you. I was hearing multiple voices saying things to me such as:
“Walk in front of the bus. Walk in front of the car, go on, you can do it Kay”
“Die! Die! Die!”
“Your mum will pay”
“Someone is following you. Yes. Someone is definitely following you. You watch out. He’s getting closer, watch out.”
And other times the voices would just talk about me, narrating my life for example:
“She’s making tea. She’s going to the bathroom. She’s typing, type it out.”
But the part that led to my hospital stay was the voices telling me that if I did not kill myself, my mum would come to harm. Hearing these loud voices coming into my ears all the time made me truly believe that if I did not die, my mum would be seriously hurt or worse and I could just not risk it.
At a depression course I had started we had to go round saying one positive thing about the last week and I ran out crying as nothing had been positive in the week in my eyes. One of the staff members spoke to me and asked me to stay behind at the end of the session. I told him what was happening and he rung me up later that day to check up on me and he contacted my care coordinator.
However soon after the voices got too much to handle, my mum was out, and I went and brought 4 large bottles of liquid paracetamol and started downing them….
My mum came back earlier than expected and took me to A&E where I spent the next 3 days on a paracetamol antidote drip and waiting for a hospital bed after speaking to the crisis team worker.
Unfortunately there was no beds locally so I got placed in a private psychiatric hospital that was over 1h30m drive away. I had a mixed experience there.
I made friends with several of the other patients, they had their own chef who cooked on site so I got proper vegan meals (opposed to potatoes and veg at NHS hospitals) and I was in hospital on my birthday but luckily I had leave so went out for the day with my family. They also baked me a vegan birthday cake and party food which was great. My dad also baked me a cake and took me out many week nights on leave.
But it was in the middle of nowhere so I got no signal, the occupational therapist didn’t turn up everyday and I only saw the psychiatrist once in the 2 weeks I was there. He said he would change my medication but nothing happened in all the time so I was not getting any better. I also had an incident where I got a razor and self harmed.
Eventually a bed freed up local to where I live (in fact only 5 minutes down the road to my house!). A friend I made when I was in hospital previously was there so it was nice knowing someone already.
This hospital had more activities going on, even had a pottery room and a gym which was nice and I could go and spend a few hours at home most days on leave. The psychiatrist put me on a new medication and after a month in total at both hospitals I eventually got discharged in the middle of March.
However at the time of discharge I was still hearing voices telling me that my mum would come to harm if I didn’t kill myself, although they were a little less frequent. But due to it being an NHS hospital they wanted me out to free up the bed and I got almost forced out which was unpleasant.
But luckily a few weeks after being out the voices completely went and I’ve only heard the odd thing now and then since I’ve been out and have been quite stable in my mood. I hope this will be my only hospital stay this year but I’ll have to wait and hope.
I’m now stable and keeping busy going to my community mental health team breakfast club, The Haven (personality disorder support group), a recovery cafe and a MIND charity meet up weekly as well as visits to the gym and trying out a jogging program.