2016 has not been the best year – Brexit, Trump and the numerous celebrity deaths such as George Michael, David Bowie and Carrie Fisher to name a few. But 2016 has been a disappointing year for me personally.
I reached multiple peaks of mental illness that have contributed many things to making this year one I wish to forget.
2015 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and a few other mental illnesses. But 2016 has brought along diagnoses of bipolar disorder/Manic depression, delusional disorder and schizoaffective disorder. These are quite heavy diagnoses for someone of 19 years old to have, and they have definitely impacted my life.
I hit some all time lows and attempted suicide 3 times in the last year, all in close proximity yet distant enough to be counted as separate episodes. Obviously I’m still here and although I have been feeling a bit low, I am no longer feeling that low.
I started a job as a care assistant which I was very excited for and enjoyed yet my mental health got in the way and I went into a depressive state and had to leave the job as I wasn’t coping at all and couldn’t make it into work.
I started university which you would think is a good part of the year, except for the fact my mental health caused me to have to drop out. I was feeling really attached and dependent on my mum and couldn’t handle being away from home. It was a stressful period and led me to experience suicidal ideations.
I reached my highest weight and I also split up with my boyfriend for reasons I can’t say but count these as other bad points that happened.
My anxiety is getting worse. I’m getting panicky and anxious about going out to things I usually go to, like The Haven (support group for people with personality disorders), breakfast club with the Community Mental Health Team and going down my dads local to see familiar faces.
And finally hospital. Something I had the displeasure of experiencing multiple times throughout the year. I was in A&E for suicide attempts and suicidal ideation and 2 of those times I ended up inpatient on a psychiatric ward.
Then my mood completely flipped the switch and I went manic and psychotic and ended up being sectioned in hospital. This was by far the worst hospital stay, not just because it was the longest but I was forced injections and was not allowed out without a staff member. Whilst sectioned, I also said some horrible things about my family and one of my best friends which I deeply regret and feel shameful of. I also keep re-living being tackled to the ground by a policemen which was incredibly embarrassing and traumatic for me.
It’s hard to think of good things that happened this year, but a few include getting our cat Simon (he was already called that when I rescued him), being vegan for over a year and the amazing people I’ve met being on psych wards.
Bring on 2017! I hope 2017 is a lot better than this. Maybe I won’t have to go into hospital at all, maybe I won’t self harm for the whole year, maybe I will go to university and cope, or maybe I will get a job and manage to hold it down. Whatever happens, it can’t be any worse than this last year.