My last post was about a manic episode where I was euphoric and on a huge high, so now I’m going in the complete opposite direction and talking about the lowest times in my life.
A while ago I made a sarcastic post on tumblr about “fun” things when I’m depressed. It’s got almost 300 reblogs so I’m not alone in feeling this way. Depression is more than just feeling a bit sad sometimes, there are lots of other symptoms that a depressed person may or may not exhibit.
When I’m depressed I lose interest in everything – music, talking to people, tv, baking, exercise, Sims, everything. And if I’m lucky enough to remain interested and motivated in something, I have trouble concentrating and focusing on it. Alongside that I barely leave the house except for appointments. This leads to a very dull time, where I have the option of over thinking, crying and letting myself dwell in sadness or sleeping. I would sleep up to 14 hours a day to escape the depression. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I was going to bed at 10pm and sleeping till noon. Sometimes I’d have insomnia and not fall asleep until 4am due to overthinking and self harm urges but sleep a lot during the day. This quickly leads to a messed up sleeping pattern.
I lack motivation to do anything, even basic things like having showers, getting changed, brushing my hair and cleaning my teeth. It’s disgusting but it’s the truth. Everything is too much effort.
Although my self esteem is always low, it becomes pretty much nonexistent when I’m depressed. I end up despising myself, feeling hopeless and that people don’t care, that I’m a burden to them. Feeling like this leads to comfort eating for me, not always, sometimes I lose my appetite completely or sleep through meals, but sometimes this leads to binging on any and every vegan food I can find.
Depression also makes my borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable personality disorder and anxiety more prominent than when I’m normal or manic. I have a short temper and get angry and annoyed easily and feel very irritable. I also get anxious very easily and lack confidence to do simple things like speak in a therapy group. Connected to this I get panicky and I’m more prone to panic attacks.
The hardest bit of depression to deal with for me is the more dangerous parts. I’m more inclined to self harm and have suicidal ideations which include thinking about suicide, researching it, imagining it, planning it and sometimes attempting it. This is difficult for not just me but my family and friends, but sometimes despite help being at hand, my depression reaches this extreme. I also may get psychotic, just like when I’m manic except the voices I hear, the things I see and think are a lot more negative. Sometimes the voices will tell me I’m worthless and would be better of dead, sometimes I’m lead to believe my family has poisoned my medication. This all leaves me very on edge and paranoid. Sometimes I end up in A&E or inpatient in hospital when things get seriously bad.
I’ve tried several antidepressants but unfortunately they are known for making bipolar people manic, so my psychiatrist has suggested I don’t go on antidepressants anymore.
But the only consolation is that I know that my dark depression will only last a month or so before I eventually go back up to a more normal mood (or possibly hypomania), so there is an end in sight and I won’t be depressed forever.
If you are depressed, there is help out there. There are medications that can help, therapy, counselling and although there is no magic wand to make the depression go away and never come back, it will help in building support and feeling cared for.